Should We Punish the Bully? How To Help The Bully?

When it comes to childhood bullying, the debate often narrows to a question:
Should we punish the bully? How Can we stop and Help The Bully?

In New Jersey, especially in Bergen County, where parents often turn to telehealth therapy, child therapy, and family counseling, this question carries real emotional weight. Parents want fairness. Kids want safety. Schools want order. Therapists want healing. But the bully? His motivation is rarely what we assume.

At Bluebird Therapy Center, we work with both children who were bullied and children who bully others. And the truth echoes what decades of research show:
Consequencing the bully is necessary, but punishment alone often backfires.

The Hidden Psychology Behind Bullying Behavior

Most people imagine bullies as kids overflowing with confidence, swagger, and aggression. In reality, studies show the opposite.

According to the Anti-Bullying Alliance, many students who bully “struggle with low self-esteem, social insecurity, trauma, or emotional dysregulation.”
Source: anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk (Pupils Bullying Others Report)

PREVNet research similarly shows that bullying often functions as a maladaptive strategy—a way for children to regain control or mask internal distress.

In the words of Gene Wolfe:

“It is amazing how many people think that the world’s problems can be solved with the right words.”

Bullying isn’t solved by slogans or by maximum punishments.
It is solved by understanding the deeper function of the behavior.

Beneath the Bullying You Often Find:

• Low self-worth

• Unprocessed trauma

• A need to feel powerful or in control

• Family stress or instability

• Social rejection

• Difficulty with emotional regulation

• Academic or learning struggles

These children aren’t “bad kids.”
They are hurting kids—even as they are hurting others.

So… Should We Punish the Bully? Yes, but Not How You Think.

Consequences matter, but only if they teach, not humiliate.

1. There Must Be a Consequence, Always.

→ A child must know that harming another person comes with a clear, fair, predictable response.
→ No exceptions.
→ No emotional revenge.
→ No shaming.

A neutral, consistent consequence tells the bully:
“Your actions caused harm. your consequence is not personal. It is cause and effect.”

2. But the Consequence Cannot Be the Whole Intervention.

Punishment without guidance is nothing more than a temporary barrier.
Kids simply learn:
“Don’t get caught.”

Real change requires more.

Why Punishment Alone Often Backfires (Especially for Low-Self-Esteem Bullies)

Children who bully because they feel inferior or insecure will interpret punishment in destructive ways:

• “Everyone hates me.”

• “I really am worthless.”

• “It doesn’t matter what I do.”

• “Now I need to get back at that kid.”

• “This is unfair. They never listen to me.”

Instead of stopping the behavior, pure punishment often fuels it.

Bullying becomes an emotional outlet, something that momentarily restores a sense of power.

This is why telehealth therapy, child counseling, and emotional-regulation skills are essential components of any intervention.

At Bluebird Therapy Center (serving Bergen County and all of NJ), we prioritize a combined approach that uses both accountability and healing.

What Actually Works: A Balanced, Evidence-Based Approach

1. Give a Clear, Direct, Non-Emotional Consequence

This trains responsibility rather than resentment.

2. Show the Child That the Consequence Is Not Personal

“It’s not that we think you’re a bad person.
It’s that your behavior caused harm.”

3. Help the Child Identify Their Strengths

Every bully has strengths, often leadership qualities, that have been twisted into negative form.

When those strengths are redirected, transformation happens.

4. Address the Child’s Hurt, Trauma, or Anxiety

As PREVNet notes, effective interventions focus on the internal factors contributing to aggression, not simply the visible behavior.

This is where therapy becomes essential.

5. Teach Emotional Regulation and Social Skills

Skills must replace the bullying behavior so the child has new tools.

6. Offer Family Therapy or Parent Coaching

Often, the child’s environment is the largest predictor of change.

7. Provide Support for the Victim Too

Being bullied can lead to anxiety, depression, academic problems, and long-term self-esteem issues.
Therapy helps them reclaim their sense of safety and identity.

Why NJ Families Are Turning to Telehealth Therapy More Than Ever

Families in Bergen County and across New Jersey choose telehealth for:

• Convenience for busy parents

• Familiar home environment for children

• Flexible scheduling

• Access to specialized child therapists

• Lower anxiety than in-office visits

Telehealth therapy is also highly effective for issues related to bullying—whether your child is the bully or was bullied.

Behavior Before Explanation

At Bluebird We focus on emphasize focusing on outcomes, not emotional narratives.
In bullying work, this means:

• Apply consistent consequences.

• Don’t confuse explanation with excuse.

• Understand incentives.

• Don’t moralize the child—teach the behavior.

• Fix root causes, not surface symptoms.

Bullying isn’t solved through slogans, assemblies, posters, or zero-tolerance policies alone.
It is solved through clear structure + emotional healing + skill-building.

Helping the Child Who Was Bullied

Victims need:

• A safe space to express emotions

• Validation of their experience

• Skills to rebuild confidence

• A therapist who understands anxiety, self-esteem, and trauma

• Time to process what happened

• Strategies to prevent future incidents

Bluebird Therapy Center specializes in child therapy for anxiety, bullying trauma, and emotional resilience.

Final Thought: Punishment Is a Tool—Not the Solution

Should we punish the bully?
Yes. But carefully, thoughtfully, and with purpose.

Punishment alone creates defensiveness.
Punishment paired with support creates growth.

A child who bullies is telling us something—even if he doesn’t have the words.
His behavior is the language of his hurt.

Our job is not to excuse it.
Our job is to understand it, address it, and guide him toward a healthier identity.

Consequences teach reality.
Therapy teaches resilience.
Support teaches hope.

And with the right intervention, both the bully and the victim can heal.

Get Support for Your Child in NJ

If your child is being bullied—or is struggling with bullying behavior—professional help can make all the difference.

Bluebird Therapy Center offers NJ telehealth therapy for children, teens, and families.

➡️ Learn more: https://bbtherapycenter.com
➡️ Book an appointment: https://bbtherapycenter.com/book-now